Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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