when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
