absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
