If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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