I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
