i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
