ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
