I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
