I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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