In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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