saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
