My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
