Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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