TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
