can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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