i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
