Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize