The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
not ubering you a puppy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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