My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
