why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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