Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
