were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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