My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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