he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
