I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
