Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
