On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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