party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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