so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Boobs are out for the taking
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
