Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
