I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
