in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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