Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
