just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
