dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
