Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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