Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
