hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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