don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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