turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
