At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
