JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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