Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't deserve a penis
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
