my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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