Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
