went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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