your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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