Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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