I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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