I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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