I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
